In a Single Heartbeat
by Serenita
Summary: He was terrified to live through the next moment in fear of only his worst fears coming true. He had never experienced such desperation, such grotesque fear and it was killing him. Every breath, every single heartbeat was an eternity in hell
1. Prologue

In a Single Heartbeat

In a Single Heartbeat

Chapter One

He hated the sickening feeling that gripped his heart and felt like a knife ripping through his chest. He felt as if his lungs were no longer able to take in as much air as he needed to breath comfortably and his nerves were on fire as he found himself shaking, no longer having the control he normally possessed. He wanted to punch something, throw something, do something except sit in the small

_far too small_

room and do something as pointless and effortless as waiting

_waiting for what?_

The anxiousness that gripped his body and fumbled his normally lucid thoughts in his head was unwanted, and yet he was thriving on it. He knew that if he was no longer anxious, no longer distracted by the shaking and the painful physical reaction to his anxiousness he would have to face the truth and feel far worse things. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, yell until his voice would no longer make sound. He wanted to fall asleep; maybe it was all a dream and he would wake up soon to find everything perfect, just as it was. At the same time he wanted to stay wide awake, fearing that if he closed his eyes for just one moment, one fraction of a breath, everything would disappear in front of him.

It was hard to breathe, at times he felt like he was gasping, not because he was unable to but because every breath took effort. It took effort to focus on drawing a breath and not breaking down. He could feel the rage, the worry, the fear that was waiting behind every breath and threatened to let loose as soon as his control wavered. He wanted to cry. For most likely the first time in his entire life he wanted to weep with all of his being, with every part of him. He hated this feeling most of all, this feeling of utter fear and helplessness that gripped him. He was terrified to live through the next moment in fear of only his worst fears coming true. He had never experienced such desperation, such grotesque fear and it was killing him. Every breath, every single heartbeat was an eternity in hell.

He was a doctor, no, the best damn doctor the hospital had and he couldn't do anything. He could always keep his cool, even in most dire situations. He never had an issue covering up whenever he was worried or scared and continuing on with his work because it needed to be done, because his help was needed. But he just stood there in shock, his body shutting down, his mind racing with panic and fear; he was unable to do anything at all. He was worthless. In those moments before he was ushered away he was completely fucking useless. He was trained to handle emergencies, intense and critical situations, to operate well under pressure and when he was needed the most _he just stood there_. Those few moments could have cost him everything, _absolutely everything_, and that thought alone devastated him.

He was fine when the nurses grabbed him, notifying him of a horrible accident that had occurred. He was fine when he found out that five victims that had arrived at the hospital four were dead before the ambulance doors were opened and that the final survivor was fading fast. He was fine when he walked in and saw all the blood

_far too much blood_

on the scrubs of his colleagues, on the floor, on surgical instruments and all over the patient's slender form

_familiar form_

But when he recognized the clothing they were wearing, the same clothing they were wearing earlier that morning, when he saw the broken and bloodied hand that had the blue heart ring he had slipped on her finger the night before when she was sleeping peacefully by his side, when he recognized the soft, long, red hair he knew had a lightly floral scent from the shampoo she used covered in fresh glistening blood matted to her head, and when he saw her beautiful face bloodstained, scratched, bruised, and looking so deathly pale he feared she would never open her beautiful eyes ever again; when he saw her lying there, dying, he felt as if someone had reached into his chest and ripped out his heart.

His world stopped spinning in those moments, everything slowed down and all he could see was her broken and battered body lying lifeless on the table in front of him. He knew people were yelling to him, asking him to help, to go, to get out of the way, but he couldn't move, he couldn't do anything but stare wide-eyed at his worst fear, his worst nightmare come true. He felt the breath he was holding escape his lips, speaking subconsciously, and in hearing the words from his own lips everything became real.

"No…not…Kotoko…"

And then his world crumbled around him.

To be continued


	2. Beat One

Okay, so I know that it took me forever to update this, and really it was because of school. But I also wanted to sit on this story for a little bit and let the plot come to me.

So I hope you all enjoy this chapter and please be patient for as you can tell, it may be awhile before I am able to update this again with school and everything. Please review! (Be kind 3)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters…yeah…

Beat One

"Doctor Irie…?" A soft, familiar voice was calling to him. He heard it clearly despite the dark turmoil that had overtaken his mind and forced himself to lift his head from his hands to look towards the woman standing in front of him. "Doctor Irie…is there anything…anything at all…that I can get for you…?" He knew that he should recognize this face, this woman's face that he had seen many times before. She was...

_(Not was, is…__**IS**__)_

…Kotoko'sfriend. They had gone to nursing school together, they still worked together, she had been over the house a few times, he had seen her in the hospital countless times and yet in this moment he could not remember her name…he couldn't recognize her face.

"Ah…I…forgive me…I…don't…I can't…" His voice sounded foreign to him, sounding weary, cracking with every word. He could feel the tension in his throat that was causing the coarse sound, the tension that only seemed to get worse with every second. It hurt to speak…it hurt to breath, it hurt to sit, it hurt to think…it hurt to…be. He couldn't process this, any of this. He couldn't deal with this kind person who he should know but couldn't remember because he was too anguished over the thought that his wife was possibly dying in the other room…and he couldn't do a thing about it.

The tension in his throat increased with that thought, threatening to close off completely. He looked down at his laps to see his hands tightened into uncontrollable shaking fists. She couldn't die….she couldn't….if she did….if she left him….

_"…oh God…"_ He whispered with a shuttering breath.

"Doctor Irie…I'm sorry….did you say something?" The woman asked, leaning down towards him, bringing her face closer to his down turned one in attempts to hear him better.

He slowly raised his head to meet her gaze, not realizing that he had spoken at all.

"…Oh…I….no….no…thank you…" Why was she so worried about him? Why wasn't she trying to do everything she could for Koto….

Oh.

It was because this woman knew that in this moment, even as she laid bleeding and fighting for her life, Kotoko would be worried about him, about everyone else but herself. This woman probably couldn't go in there either, couldn't physically be of any help to Kotoko, so she was doing the only thing she could…make sure Kotoko's loved ones were okay. Kotoko…

'_Kotoko!'_

Tomoko stood there for a moment as Naoki continued to stare at his hands, not saying anything else after refuse her help. To be honest, his current state frightened her. She had never seen the usually composed Doctor Irie so…so completely broken. He was so obviously lost, anguished and absolutely terrified; she couldn't help but want to do something to ease the pain he was in.

She had seen Kotoko's state when she had been brought in and the sight took her breath away. To see her friend lying there covered in blood, looking so lifeless and pale…it terrified her. But for Naoki…for Kotoko's husband to see her that way…she knew he had to be devastated.

She heard a commotion down the end of the hall and glanced to see Kotoko's family running towards them, fear and desperation on every single one of their faces. She quickly stepped away as the rushed in around Naoki. She knew that there was nothing more that she could do. They had each other now.

"Naoki!"

"Naoki-kun"

"Onii-chan!"

The voices of his family called to him. His father, Kotoko's father, and his mother were desperately calling to him. But he didn't lift his head. He knew when he did he would have to see the fear and worry with dimly reflected his own. He knew that they would ask him questions, complicated questions that he didn't want to have to answer…

_That he didn't know the answer to._

He didn't want to have to be their support, to deal with them, at this moment. He just wanted it to be morning. Everything was perfectly fine this morning. He would have taken the day off like he promised Kotoko instead of giving into his supervisors desperate pleas to work. He would have spent the day with her and made sure she wouldn't go outside, made sure she wouldn't leave the house, made sure she wouldn't leave his side. It he had just done as he promised she would be okay…she would be just fine. She would be here for him and for…

"_Daddy!"_ The sweet, tear-filled voice of his and Kotoko's precious five year old daughter called to him and pulled him from the darkness he was drowning in. He quickly looked to his mother's arms to see his daughter, her face red and wet from crying, reaching out for him with desperation. Wanting him…needing him…He had to be strong for her….for their daughter…

"Kotomi…" He said soothingly as he took her into his arms, holding her close to him as she cried into his shoulder, her tiny body shaking with her scared sobs.

"_It's all my fault, Daddy!"_ Her sweet voice squeaked through her tears, as she buried her face deeper into his shoulder.

"Kotomi!" He said incredulously, his concern and disbelief in her statement echoed by the others standing around them.

"_It's my fault, Daddy! I didn't listen! Mommy told me not to run, but I did! …and Mommy…and then Mommy…"_ Her little voice cracked as she broke down into sobs once again, hugging him even tighter if it were possible.

"Oh, Kotomi...it's not your fault…" He said soothingly, returning her desperate embrace.

"Onii-chan…" His mother said softly, as she leaned forward and whispered in his ear so that Kotomi couldn't hear. "…Kotomi was so excited to go to the amusement park when we finally got there that she broke away from Kotoko and ran across the street. But there was a car coming and it didn't see her…Kotoko grabbed her and held her to her body. The paramedics had to pull Kotomi from her arms…"

His mother's words paralyzed his body. Kotoko was injured protecting their daughter, protecting their precious treasure. He felt an odd prickling sensation behind his eyes as the tension in his throat became tighter. He gripped Kotomi tightly to his chest, his arms trembling as they held her.

She couldn't leave them…she couldn't! She had to be okay, Kotoko had to pull through…he didn't know what would happen to them if she didn't. She took such good care of them, something he had taken for granted, to lose her now…if they lost her now…

"Naoki…" His father called to him, pulling his attention to the doctor, his supervisor, that now stood in front of them. He stood quickly, with sudden energy he didn't know he had, adrenaline pumping through every cell of his body as he looked upon the face of the doctor that had been operating on Kotoko. He studied the doctor's expression, his body language, looking for any hint of optimism, of hope, some sign that the words he would hear would calm him and not cause him to break down. But the doctor stared back at him blankly, his eyes holding no emotion. He was completely detached.

That meant bad news.

He felt himself starting to shake, as if his body had already heard what the doctor had to say and his mind was just waiting to catch up. It was hard to breath…he couldn't think straight…please, God…_please_ let him say something good… something…

"Irie-san…your wife…" The doctor paused, as if he were trying to regain his thoughts. Naoki's heart was pounding in his chest. He could feel his pulse throbbing at his temples, at his throat, in his ears, through his legs.

_Please… Please…_

"…We did everything we could…"

His heart stopped in that moment.

Everything stopped in that moment.

Kotoko…

_**KOTOKO!**_

Okay, just so you all know, this is not the last chapter, this fic is not finished yet…

Don't hate me!!!


	3. Beat Two

So I know it's been a long time, but I cranked another chapter out. I know it's short but I hope to get another one out soon! Thank you for your patience and loyalty!

I do not own Itasura Na Kiss

Serenita

* * *

He couldn't stop trembling.

It sounded ridiculous to him. As a doctor he was always expected to maintain control in every situation no matter how horrible or stressful. He was strong, intelligent man whose choices were guided by logic; his emotions were never allowed to disrupt that control. Yet here and now, when maintaining control the reverberating tremors coursing through him was foreign to him, something he had never experienced. His conscious recognition of this was all the more distressing for it made him realize just to what extent the current situation affected him.

_Made him realize just how terrified he actually was._

His shaking hands were clenched into tight fists at his sides as he stood by her bedside, gazing upon her appallingly pale face. Kotoko, his beautiful, lively Kotoko who was always filled with such infectious joy lay there in hospital bed looking utterly lifeless, like there was nothing left of her but an empty shell. Her beautiful face was heavily bandaged where there were deep scrapes and contusions, most likely from being dragged across concrete after the impact with the car. They had cut her hair incredibly short; it must have been so matted with blood that her gorgeous long hair was impossible to salvage. Tubes from multiple machines were connected to her body were supporting her, helping her to breathe, monitoring her heart, helping her live.

_They were only things keeping her alive._

He felt sick, lightheaded and nauseous with this uncontrollable trembling; the sight of her laying like that lifeless and knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could do, that he was completely powerless, was more than he could bare.

"…_We did everything we could…"_

His superior's words echoed in his head, those words that for a few brief moments ripped the air from his lungs and caused the beating of his heart to cease. In those few moments he believed Kotoko to be dead and gone from him, and the devastation it caused tore him from the inside out. He had fallen to the floor, his knees suddenly weak at the thought of Kotoko never being by his side again. His superior had knelt in front of him, pulling Naoki away from the darkness he was spiraling into with a few simple words.

"…_Naoki-san, she's out of surgery, she's alive. We did everything we could…now the rest is up to her."_ Those words restarted his heart and gave him the strength the breath again. She was alive…she was still with him…she hadn't left him…she hadn't left him all alone. He had felt a glimmer of hope, a glimmer that quickly died the moment he saw her laying in that hospital bed unmoving and unresponsive.

_It was like she was already dead._

He lowered himself unsteadily into the chair in front of him and sat at her bedside in silence. The only sounds that filled the room were that of the machinery working as his wife's life support and that of his shaky breathing. He was still for a few moments as he waited. He waited for some sort of change: for her to move, for her to take a turn for the worse, for her hand to twitch at her side, for her monitor to show a flat line or for her to open her eyes. He waited for something, anything and instead he received only the sound of the constant, if slow, beating of her heart.

Hesitantly he reached for her hand that lay so still at her side. He was almost afraid to touch her; she seemed so fragile, as if she would fall apart at the slightest amount of pressure, at the slightest touch. Something tore inside him as he wrapped his large hand around her petite one and found that it was icy. She was cold, so very cold. She had lost too much blood. She wasn't going to make it. She was going to leave him…she was going to…

A foreign sound escaped from his lips before he could stop it, his throat and eyes suddenly burning. He had heard the sound before, recognized it's meaning, but he had never made it before. It had never escaped his lips until that very moment. The hot, moisture that blurred his vision and streaked down his cheek moments later only affirmed what he already suspected. It was a deep, gasping sob, a cry of utter sadness and despair.

He was crying.

It was an odd sensation, something he couldn't really remember experiencing, and once he started he found it impossible to stop. The tears continued to fall unchecked from his burning eyes and he found himself sobbing harder, the jagged gasps painful in his increasingly constricting throat. He felt as if this pain, this horrible pain would never stop, would never cease.

He leaned over her bed, resting his head against her cool hand that he gripped tightly within his own, as his last thread of control broke and his body trembled with his pain filled sobs.

_"…Kotoko…"_ He cried, whispering her name, calling to her, his voice pitched painfully. _"…please, God…please, Kotoko…open your eyes…please…don't leave…"_

A sudden horrible sound filled his ears. It was piercing, painful and absolutely terrifying to hear. It immediately silenced his cries and stopped his unfamiliar tears. It tore him from deep within and left him empty, blank and unmoving. He knew that sound, he knew what it meant and the realization of what it meant was completely destructive to that remaining hope he was desperately clinging to.

Her heart had stopped beating.

She was dying.

* * *

Please review! Please! Please! Please! Please! Okay thanks!


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